The Rollercoaster

Does anyone feel like they are currently on a never-ending rollercoaster? Not in the fun way, but in the I-have-to-ride-this-ride-over-and-over-because-a-small-family-member-is-obsessed-with-it-but-I’m-getting-sick-and-I-want-off-immediately. Well, obviously, I wouldn’t classify what we are all going through at the moment as a result of someone being “obsessed” and “enjoying” the global pandemic because what we are doing is of the utmost importance and contributes to the safety of all of us. But what I mean is I feel like my mental state is in a constant up and down and loopty-loop of trying to remain positive and feeling absolutely helpless. It seems I go days feeling pretty good, feeling blessed and grateful that I and my family and friends are safe, feeling okay with the fact that I am working from home and that my day-to-day life has not shifted that much in the grand scheme. This past week, however, I have had an onslaught of bad days of feeling what I can only describe as melancholy: a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

Even when I was feeling productive and pushing through the overwhelming pull to get in bed, I was still doing those tasks just because I needed or wanted to. It was purely just to get them done because I knew I would feel worse later if I didn’t. It really took until this weekend to snap back into it and reflect on where I am mentally with the current climate. Two weeks ago, I posted a video about the ways I am protecting my mental space during this time. I continue to do these things, but I still feel at a standstill. Maybe it’s the fact that I am naturally a planned person, or that each day we are getting closer and closer to the trip I had to cancel that I’d been planning for nearly six months, but the ability to not be able to plan for the immediate future was weighing on me. I know, I know…this is everyone’s current reality, but I have to remind myself that that does not make my feelings any less valid.

One of the most important changes, I realized, is that I am not able to utilize my creative outlet in the way I had been planning for all of you. Making the decision to position this blog and my YouTube channel as travel-specific has obviously put me at a complete halt at the moment. Even if I come up with something on the fly, I am having to churn them out so quickly at a level of quality I can’t particularly say that I love. My aim in creating a posting schedule on both platforms was not only to provide you with relevant, interesting content, but also because it brings me joy and allows me just enough breathing room to come up with something I feel you and I would both enjoy. Having that structure also allowed me to continue exercising that muscle on a regular basis to get better at it so I can continue putting out content I am proud of, and that I know at least one of you would enjoy. At this time, it just feels a little tone deaf and like a bit of a stretch to keep trying to come up with weekly/bi-weekly travel-related content when that is not at all a priority or possibility for me or any of you. Not to mention, there is only so much I can do with my Lex at Home series at the moment that I enjoy enough to take the time to create a weekly video for you all.

Therefore, this will be my first and last post of April. I will be taking a break on both the blog and YouTube while we all navigate this experience together in the hopes of returning around my upcoming birthday with a new look, new content, and a new outlook on the future. Regardless of the “category” I box my blog and related social media in, my first priority is to present an authentic version of myself so that I know the content I create is fully representative of who I am and something I can stand behind as time moves forward. At this time, I do not believe I can bring you my best work–or relevant content for that matter–so it is necessary for me to step back and regroup. I hope that you all will still follow me on all of my platforms, and should I find something relevant or interesting to share, I will likely take to Instagram to do so.

Despite this decision to take a pretty short hiatus, I am not giving up. At the beginning of the week, I admit I let my stats (or lack thereof) get to me and considered throwing this all away, but one of my best friends reminded me that I can’t stop. I do love expressing my creativity and sharing all of the things I love the most in the world with all my viewers. My love for travel and the support from my family and friends to embark on these adventures is what keeps me going and when we are safely able to, I will be right back at it!! Furthermore, I can’t throw in the towel after having this blog for FIVE YEARS. In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and make the most of the rest of April. We’ll see what changes are headed our way next month, but ultimately, I hope you all continue to invest time and energy into healthy outlets that bring you joy and recognize how important that is for you during this time. ❤

xx, AE

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