The Rollercoaster

Does anyone feel like they are currently on a never-ending rollercoaster? Not in the fun way, but in the I-have-to-ride-this-ride-over-and-over-because-a-small-family-member-is-obsessed-with-it-but-I’m-getting-sick-and-I-want-off-immediately. Well, obviously, I wouldn’t classify what we are all going through at the moment as a result of someone being “obsessed” and “enjoying” the global pandemic because what we are doing is of the utmost importance and contributes to the safety of all of us. But what I mean is I feel like my mental state is in a constant up and down and loopty-loop of trying to remain positive and feeling absolutely helpless. It seems I go days feeling pretty good, feeling blessed and grateful that I and my family and friends are safe, feeling okay with the fact that I am working from home and that my day-to-day life has not shifted that much in the grand scheme. This past week, however, I have had an onslaught of bad days of feeling what I can only describe as melancholy: a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

Even when I was feeling productive and pushing through the overwhelming pull to get in bed, I was still doing those tasks just because I needed or wanted to. It was purely just to get them done because I knew I would feel worse later if I didn’t. It really took until this weekend to snap back into it and reflect on where I am mentally with the current climate. Two weeks ago, I posted a video about the ways I am protecting my mental space during this time. I continue to do these things, but I still feel at a standstill. Maybe it’s the fact that I am naturally a planned person, or that each day we are getting closer and closer to the trip I had to cancel that I’d been planning for nearly six months, but the ability to not be able to plan for the immediate future was weighing on me. I know, I know…this is everyone’s current reality, but I have to remind myself that that does not make my feelings any less valid.

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