Leap of Faith

It’s been almost six months since I’ve posted here on my blog. There are a variety of reasons for that: lack of motivation, an unhealthy obsession I developed with analytics, and simply not having much to say or share. In 2019, I set out to dedicate this blog to travel-related content and since 2020, the universe decided that wasn’t the path for me. I have traveled to more new places in 2021, however, a year off from traveling regularly and trying to sustain a weekly posting schedule with arguably irrelevant content took whatever steam I had left for blogging completely out. Most trips this year were solely dedicated to enjoying myself in real time and just being grateful to be able to travel safely. While I have absolutely no clue what the future of this blog looks like, I was inspired for the first time in almost six months to just write something.

Two months ago, I moved full time to El Paso, TX. If you follow this blog and my social media, you know that I have been living with my boyfriend since last year and a job opportunity relocated him to his old stomping grounds of El Paso/Ciudad Juárez. Since my job was remote at the time (and will continue to be permanently remote), I took this as a sign to take a leap of faith and challenge myself in a new way. Since 2018, I have been begging for the universe to give me some real, tangible change in my life. While this was always centered around the confusion and uncertainty around my career, the proposition of moving to El Paso was a change to consider as well. At only 27 with no major financial issues, not having to be a caretaker for anyone, and no real roots in one place (e.g. a house, a business, etc.), I saw this as an opportunity to accomplish the following:

1. Live in a new city
2. Learn to make friends as an adult (outside of work)
3. Take advantage of El Paso’s proximity to Mexico and New Mexico
4. Assess my career path without the comfort of knowing the future*

*Obviously, the fourth point has since been resolved. To focus on the other points though, I think I have done okay for only two months in. But I have to be honest–most days, ‘challenging’ feels like an understatement for this new transition in my life. I do not have friends or family anywhere near me. Making new friends without the help of an office to drive to every day has been very difficult. El Paso itself has an older demographic (excluding the UTEP student body), is more family-centered, and just generally not a ‘bustling’ city. Not to mention, it’s small. Like, everyone knows each other somehow, someway small. Can I also add that it’s just harder to approach other women and be like “do you want to be friends,” regardless of where you live? While I have recently made a great friend which has helped tenfold, most days I find myself with long spans of time of just me and my thoughts and it’s been taking a toll.

While I consider myself to be independent and introverted, it was a real privilege to have friends and family within reach when I was needing that quality time. Even during lockdown in 2020, I don’t recall feeling particularly devastated at not being able to see people in the early stages. Eventually, I started to (safely) see my family and friends, but what I had then that I don’t have now is the option. Just overall, there are a lack of options in my life that I miss. If I’m being completely honest, I’m aware my friends and family aren’t necessarily racing to book a trip to El Paso and many likely never will. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with observing and acknowledging any of this though. It is part of life at this age as many people in my life are experiencing major life changes simultaneously and some impacts on me would have been the same even if I stayed in Dallas. While in the grand scheme, one can say “it’s only been two months,” and “to give it time,” I would be doing myself a disservice during this stage of transition by devaluing or ignoring my very real feelings. Unfortunately, these feelings won’t always be perfect, palatable, or easy to tie in a pretty bow. Still, I wake up every day and choose to make the best of it, even if ‘the best’ looks different day by day.

I am experiencing a real shift and relying on myself in a new way to catapult myself forward. What I hope by writing this all out today is to discover that this confusing and challenging experience of moving to a new city is more common than I believe. I hope it helps me to navigate this stage more realistically and seamlessly instead of my go-to coping mechanism of shoving it down and pretending nothing bothers me. Finally, I hope that it may help me mourn–for lack of a better term–a chapter in my life that I didn’t realize until I left that I felt so closely attached to. I hope that in a year’s time, I can look back on this and be proud of the changes I made, the speed at which I made them, and how much growth I have had. I also need to show myself grace on days that feel less than ‘easy’ and stop putting pressure on myself to make this a replica of the life I had the last five years. I took this leap of faith for a reason and I’m going to see it through for as long as it serves me. At least I’ll never be left wondering, “What if?”

xx, AE