Checking My Privilege

Checking My Privilege

For the last month, I have had the privilege to take time off from work. There were conditions that went along with this leave that I was always aware of before finalizing the decision, but I start this post by clearly stating this was a privilege because we are living in a time where people are being fired, laid off, and furloughed amidst a global pandemic. These occurrences are very clearly anything but voluntary by those on the receiving end, so I understood how lucky I was to have this option. I took advantage of this opportunity for a variety of reasons and one of the main reasons was the mental space and time to do some serious work internally.

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Starting with the Woman in the Mirror

Starting with the Woman in the Mirror

My story is no different than any other girl or woman out there. To say, “Ever since I can remember, I have had issues with my body,” seems, unfortunately, like a rite of passage. However, it seems my relationship with my body has been confronted more intensely than ever since we have entered quarantine. I have attempted to write about this relationship in the past, but I have never really had the words. Even now, I don’t know how this will translate, but I hope to emphasize one point: This ‘relationship’ has been nothing but toxic and I’m done with it.

When I was in college, I had what I would consider ‘my best body.’ I was part of a competitive dance team, I used my fear of the Freshman 15 to establish a regular workout routine, and overall, I was just much more mobile because I was walking and biking everywhere (yes, even in L.A.). But I still felt negatively towards my body because 1. I never felt confident in my skin or body to begin with, and 2. I was surrounded by white sorority girls in one of the most superficial, Euro-centric, image-obsessed cities in the world. I would be lying if I said my desire to lose weight stemmed from seeing other thin women of color because it was really to get the desirable white, skinny body type that all the boys on campus (ESPECIALLY black, male student athletes) were fawning over. I always felt I could lose weight and when I graduated, I maintained this workout routine which was manageable since I was unemployed. Once I started my first full-time job though, this whole routine plummeted and started the most unhealthy relationship I have ever had with my body.

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